Finally! The Seventh Fantasty (II)

Ordinarily, I appreciate both privacy and cookies; often at the same time. However, a glance at the fine print here indicates that this agreement has less to do with me eating sugary junk food alone in my bedroom, and more to do with me paying for the right to let some company spy on me in exchange for the chance to play an old computer game. Yes, I have purchased, downloaded, and installed Final Fantasy VII, but I will not be granted permission to play until I have created a Square Enix account and agreed to the terms above, or signed in with a Facebook account, which can't be any better.

Why? Why is this a requirement?

--- A few minutes later ---

I'm in the game now. I've played the intro before, many years ago, so there shouldn't be any real surprises for me at this point, and yet there are. I shouldn't be surprised by the over-indulgent, heavily compressed cinematic scenes, and yet I can't believe how much time I'm asked to spend looking at CG stars. Like, a minute of erratic camera swoops showing nothing. Pixelated white blobs on a black background. Then there's some girl, then some city, then, okay, fight!

I guess I like getting thrown straight into a battle more than I would like heavy-handed tutorials teaching me how to walk, but the jump in pacing these first moments provide is startling. I fight a few policemen (Is that right? Policemen?), then learn that my spiky-haired little name is a guerrilla/terrorist guy named Cloud. Or he would be named Cloud if the game didn't give me the option to rechristen him "I am dumb," because that's totally funny, and there's no way I'll think my little joke is stale when I'm still reading it 100 hours into my adventure.

It was at this point that I tried to take a screenshot to show off my enviable wit ("What's your name?" "I am dumb." "I am dumb, eh? Hmmm..."), and it was at this point I learned that you can't take screenshots of this game with the Print Screen button. It just saves a blank black image. I'm sure I can find a way around this limitation, but come on. What harm am I going to do by taking a picture of a game that came out fifteen years ago?

Oh, right, I'll probably take pictures of the ridiculous bugs. Within two or three minutes of starting, I'd already discovered a simple method for making I am dumb appear upside-down at 200 times his regular size. Whoops.

I kept going and met a character who was happy to provide a bit of exposition. "You were in SOLDIER," and I guess we don't like SOLDIER, because he followed it up by telling I am dumb, "I don't trust you." Well, gosh, what a way to hurt a guy's feelings. Sorry, "Barret," from now on, your name is "Meanie."

Read previous installments of Finally! The Seventh Fantasy

Finally! The Seventh Fantasy (I)

I identify with this wild-haired youth.

As mentioned on this very site just last month, I have never played Final Fantasy VII in its entirety, and I consider it a shamefully significant gap in my personal video game history. The game has engendered such frightening adoration and torrid debate that basing my impressions on popular opinion and the scattered segments I witnessed at friends' houses in the late nineties seems horribly inadequate. Quite simply, it is a game that I, arrogant video game snob that I am, must play. It's too important to the medium to ignore.

Fortunately, Square Enix released a slightly updated version yesterday. This edition looks like it should make the game a bit more functional on modern computers than the original, without any changes to how the game plays. The story and characters which are still inspiring embarrassing fan-fiction and anime convention costumes to this day should be completely intact, and I am ready to judge them with my modern, jaded perspective.

Here's the plan: I'm going to play this whole game, and I'm going to record my thoughts from start to finish. Recaps, criticism, video with commentary, drawings - anything is fair game. Each time I play, I will also, in some way, document my experience, until I discover that I was on Earth all along, or whatever happens at the end of Final Fantasy VII.

Read previous installments of Finally! The Seventh Fantasy

Saturday Supplemental - Stretching the Meaning of the Word

Matthew Burns - Magical Wasteland
To Jane Doe, Electronic Entertainment Expo, 2012
Recently I haven't been keeping up with the video game news as well as I normally do, so I finally have a chance to link to a few slightly older articles this week. I've been sitting on this delectable little bit of satire for far too long.

Ryan Rigney and Chris Kohler - Game|Life
The iPad Game That Took 9 Years (And an Epic Disney Fail) to Finish
I first heard of The Act three or four years ago when I met one of the bitter ex-Disney animators who worked on it. He didn't seem to have much love for the project, and what I've seen of the game looks totally unimpressive, but regardless of the final result, there's a great making-of story here that's well-worth reading.

Jeff Rubin, Adam Conover, and Jared Logan - The Jeff Rubin Jeff Rubin Show
Videogame Debate Club w/ The Metagame
I can't imagine many situations where I would actually want to play The Metagame - an argument facilitation tool that requires at least three video game-literate players - but listening to one of my comedy heroes, Adam Conover, get geeky with his friends for an hour-and-a-half is a fine substitute.

polygon - YouTube
The evolution of PC games
I don't know how I feel about the word "evolution" in this context. Nothing against newer games, but this video does remind me of how I adore the aesthetic of '70s/'80s/early '90s computer games. Those distinctly garish palettes and tortured sounds speak to me in a way slick polygons and clear audio can't quite match.

Ben Kuchera - The Penny Arcade Report
The $40,000 patch? Fez won’t be fixed, but blaming Microsoft is only half the story
Yeesh. Nobody comes out of this mess looking good.

Critical Path Project
CRITICAL///PATH
Dozens of bite-sized interview clips from game developers. Nolan Bushnell, Will Wright, Toru Iwatani, John Carmack, Jordan Mechner... This is incredible, although I hope they can talk to more non-American developers in the future.

Chris Baker - Game|Life
Will Wright Wants to Make a Game Out of Life Itself
Because I never get tired of being reminded that he is a magnificent genius, here's another interview with Will Wright.

Elaine Low - Jezebel
Confessions of a Sometimes-Booth Babe
"Maybe those who frown upon slutty-looking costumes should petition game developers to stop designing slutty-looking video game characters." Um, yup.

Mara Wilson - Mara Wilson Writes Stuff
Top Girl: The Game for Everyone!
Games for boys may have sexist depictions of women, but games for girls...also have sexist depictions of women. Yeah, Top Girl sounds dreadful, but as is so often the case with the worst games, it makes for captivating discussion, especially in the talented hands of the brilliant Mara Wilson. 

Is it still "supplemental" if it's the only part of the site that ever gets updated?

Saturday Supplemental - May the Lord Smile...

Ryan Henson Creighton - Untold Entertainment
Stocking Your Office with Human Props
In my experience, the very worst thing about making games (and there are loads of bad things about making games, even if they're outweighed by the good) is the amount of effort gamemakers are expected to waste trying to impress people who don't understand what making games entails. Oh, who am I kidding? That's what every job is.

Jeremy Parish - Telebunny
Let’s Kill a Stupid Videogame Cliche
I'm having a hard time remembering many games that end with an unearned gimmick, but that's probably because I immediately expunge them from my memory upon completion. Yep, kill this cliché with fire.

Alex Navarro - Giant Bomb
Valve Announces Steam Greenlight
It's been a few days since I read this, and I'm still not quite sure what to think of this. Will Steam Greenlight make it easier for great games to find an audience, or will it force tiny, no-name indie developers to become their own cheerleaders in Twitter and Facebook campaigns to find an audience for their unreleased games rather than directing their efforts toward publishers, and... ughhhhh. I don't know what to make of this.

Eric Caoili - Tiny Cartridge
Hello Kitty the Hedgehog
What is this monster? Apparently Sega and Sanrio have teamed up to make ungodly mutant plush toys. Is this really, truly real? This can't be happening.

Bob Mackey - 1UP
What Telltale Learned from Bone
Man, I remember being so excited when I found out that someone was making a Bone game. Plus it was a point-'n'-click-'em-up? I was so excited. And you know what? It was pretty good! But it wasn't the best fit for early Telltale, and everything Bob Mackey says in this piece is spot-on.

Mike Rose - Gamasutra
Lessons learned from The Real Texas' voluntary 18-month delay
Yeah, taking some time to cool down between making a game and releasing it is great to do if you can, but it's not like every game developer has that option. Regardless how obvious or infeasible this advice may be, The Real Texas looks sweeeeeet.

Jim Sterling - Destructoid
Jimquisition: Xbox 360 and PS3 Are Just Very Crap PCs
Pretty much.

Jim Sterling - Destructoid
Grasshopper says it's Killer7's seven-year anniversary!
If I'd had a little more warning about this anniversary, I would have put together some kind of Killer7 tribute of my own. I mean, if I still wrote more than one article a week. Anyway! Play Killer7. It's one of my faves.

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw - Zero Punctuation
Spec Ops: The Line Review
I have no desire to play Spec Ops: The Line. Even the positive reviews seem to agree that the storytelling is the only element it gets right, and even then, only by video game standards. But, man, I enjoy the conversations it's inspiring.

Ryan Henson Creighton - Untold Entertainment
Why Kickstarter Scares the Crap Out of Me
This is just one of many reasons for me, which isn't to say that it isn't also exciting and maybe wonderful. I don't know, but I am suspicious and hesitant. I guess I'm not big on jumping on bandwagons without asking questions and considering the potential pitfalls.
  

...and the devil have mercy.

Tomorrow Is the New Today

This is not what I wanted to write tonight, especially after scaling back the number of updates.

Today's update has been delayed. I think you'll prefer a better considered and better researched article to one comes out in time to meet an arbitrary deadline. Man, that Phantasmagoria thing just took way longer than I expected. Wrecked the whole week.

There's still a chance I'll get three articles published this week, but, um, don't count on it.

Roto-Rooter

More than two months after I started, here is part two (of five) in what's already a mammoth Phantasmagoria review. Was I crazy to commit to this? Doesn't matter - I'm deep in it now.

Phantasmagoria - The Game

I'm hoping to have part three finished next week, but I also thought part two would be done in mid-May.

Yo, Adrienne

Just a reminder - Hot Lavy has switched to a three-days-a-week update schedule. There's no new feature today, but the second part of my Phantasmagoria review will be available tomorrow. This might be a good time to check out the first part if you haven't already.

Edit: The written review is done, but my computer reset itself while I was capturing screenshots. I hadn't saved any of them, so I'll have to go back through the game and find them all over again. Sorry for the delay. Check back Wednesday night.